Happiness or is it?

Regrets, Resentments and Repairs

Hi Guys(Me), lol.
So i am in a regret phase of my life now.
i ended things with Mr E, and moved on already to Mr F.
I regret leaving Mr E, even though i told myself over and over again how i was ready for the regrets, this feeling is a depressive, suicidal borderline mental illness kind of regret.
I have been fasting and praying to God for 6 months now hoping to get over him and fully face and embrace my new life and to be truly happy
.
Suffice to say its not working, and slowly I'm beginning to resent myself, my family, my fiance, my friends and sometimes i think its better to die and JUST REST!!! HAH!!!
but God forbid, one thing I learned from Mr E is to always persevere in the face of troubles.
I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel..... yet
Its not over till it's over
I knew the consequences of leaving Mr E, and i'm facing them. i have lost Mr E, i wanna lose Mr F.
I want to be alone and know me and fall in love with me all over again.
yes i want to marry
yes i want children
but what kind of love do i give my children when i cant love myself
what kind of love do i give my husband when i cant love myself
God help me towards my journey to self recovery and repair.
I have always prayed that God goes before me
in this new journey I pray oh lord that you go before me and ease this path that i must take.
reading from Ms Yemisi Wada has helped me a lot too
the woman is real
God give me a sign that you're listening.

going back to the drawing board, ciao!

Day 4....

It day 4 and I still see you in my dreams.
I'm still crying.
I miss you so deeply.
It's such a void not having anyone to talk to 23hrs a day.
I don't know if I can get through this.

Office romance break up

I ended things two days ago, right when it was feeling like the end to all the troubles.
I feel so terrible, I a so heartbroken, I think I might be getting depressed, it burns in my heart, I am struggling to communicate with the outside world without snapping, I sneak in a tear or two here and there but all in all I am actually relieved, no more sneaking, no more fights, no more uncertainty, no more resentment about loosing it (well its still there), no more second guessing everything..... but enough about me....
I wonder how he feels, for the first time since I met him I saw him cry, he invested so much in me, I did not deserve him, he must be really disappointed in me, he believed so much in us, I fed off that belief for a while, I strung him along.
if you ever read this Mr E. know that I did love you, at a point I did believe in us too. I saw myself having your kids at a point too, I saw myself learning your language at some point too.
But if by now we r still facing my uncertainty then its better I let you go, I am ready to regret it.

so for day 2...... IT BURNS!!!!

Office Romance Update 2

Hey!!!

So i have even more update on this office romance thing, its slowly beginning to sound offensive to call it just that.... an office romance, it has become a very beautiful beginning to an endless love together forever (^_^) stoked!!!

But.... there's a but, i've always wondered why grooms have been said to have cold feet, why go all the way knowing you love this person but because of a stupid black.... no white (white is associated with cold right?) nah black monster called cold feet you start to doubt the love that binds you and future wifey together. Orrr it could just be that the pretense couldn't be put up with any longer. I digress.

I am only writing this because i feel great about us but there's a but. i dont have that total surrender feeling, is it terrible to say that? i dont want to let go, but could we really be more?
wth is wrong with me?

HELP!!!

Office Romance Update

Hey guys!!! (more like Hey me!!!)

So a few weeks ago i wrote about the whole office romance thingy, here's an update.

I have zero regrets!!! :-)

This guy is simply the sweetest, most thoughtful, caring, forward thinking, focus minded, mouth full of sugar and honey person i've ever met. Did i mention earlier how hot he is? ;-)
 I am stoked to have ever met him, and i still cant really believe he found me attractive enough to even approach me and i think he loves me.

So all these wonderful things to say and im sure youre thinking... KIDNAP HIM and bear him a few kids right? well..... not so fast.

My only prayer is things go on fine and if we are meant to be, we will be.

STAGNATION

I have decided to treat this blog as my personal diary..... so here goes

Dear Diary,

Feeling like I'm in a rut! i have no specific direction in life as at the moment and I have no tangible love interest to keep my heads in the clouds.
I am very down to earth at the moment and its not a great feeling.
Feeling empty has to be the one of the worst situations one can ever feel.
I feel like i need to be loved and absolutely ignoring the world and focusing on self love is very hard to achieve.

So do i look for how to hone my skills and let my creative juices flow. i have to actually think of what i absolutely love doing so i dont feel so empty down the line.

I've kind of always had this feeling and i thought that once i get a love interest it'll all magically disappear but i have this strong intuition that all i need is something i love doing to keep me busy and i wont feel so needy and desperate and then fall into relationships without strong foundations which at the end of the day will fall out.

All I have is Jesus

and to my imaginary readers i'm very happy having you here.