Monday, 21 November 2016

Mr E appreciation day

Related image
Today I appreciate this man I am still in love with.

awesome guy, like the awesomeness is not even from this world

How can a man be
Really Hot
Serious minded
religious
determined
hard working
family oriented
romantic
sweetheart
strong willed
Really Hot (repeated for emphasis)

Like it should be illegal to have all these attributes.

I pray God helps me to forget him,
I pray God cancels this impending doom for me

I cannot touch him with a ten foot pole but at least I can appreciate from here na

I envy your future wife (more like nearest future all these hot gehs that have lined up since),I envy your children

Day Uncountable out of Million uncountable days and my heart is still bleeding.

Friday, 11 November 2016

Christian and divorce

Few weeks into it and im researching how to get out.

May God have mercy on me

Amen

Friday, 4 November 2016

Awesome Article I read, The suicidal Christian





Most people assume that I started running to lose weight, and I tend to let most people think that. Because the real reason is a lot less glamorous, a lot darker.
I started running to beat depression. Notice I didn’t call myself a runner, because that would imply that I am actually good at it. Me and my 13-minute mile–look out, world! But I didn't start running just to kick the normal depressive episode that many of us experience from time to time. I started because of the more sinister, dark-night-of-the-soul depression—the kind where you don’t remember to eat, you don’t have the strength to get off the bathroom floor (if you make it that far), and you can’t think about anything except how badly you want to die.
Most of us will agree that Christians can get depressed, but can Christians get suicidal? Good Christians?

Suicide is, after all, something that only happens when you lose all hope, and don’t Christians have the best Hope there is?
I suspect that many in the Church unconsciously believe that Christians do not and should not become suicidal, because suicide is, after all, something that only happens when you lose all hope, and don’t Christians have the best Hope there is?
I always believed that God absolutely, 100% had the power to heal me of my depression. But during those darkest nights, I didn’t believe that God would heal me, even though I knew He could. I never lost hope in Jesus, but I did lose hope for recovery. All I wanted more than anything else was to rest in the arms of my Savior. I gave up.
The temptation to kill myself felt like too much to bear. And so I had two options, to give in to that temptation and commit an irreversible (but not unforgivable) sin, or believe God’s promise to me in His Word:
“God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13).
And so, on December 22, 2011, I was admitted to Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services for five days.
I think Christians often make the mistake of over-spiritualizing depression and neglecting the very real physical needs of a person caught in depression's grip, while non-Christians tend to focus too much on the physical aspects of this condition while neglecting spiritual health. But what if getting to the bottom of depression requires a body, mind and soul approach?
In the hospital, I rested. I began to treat my body, mind and soul.

Without healing in the body, mind and soul, depression will continue to creep back in.
With the support of my healthcare team, I started new medication and added some vitamins and supplements into my diet. I began running as soon as the weather turned warm. I took care of my body. With the help of a licensed therapist, I learned to pay attention to and change my negative self-talk, to heal my mind. But most importantly–once my brain started to recover, I was strong enough to address the cracks in my faith that were revealed by the depth and the pressure of my depression.
No matter what depression may look like, the attributes of God are almost always under attack. Doubt always follows closely on the heels of depression. How can God love me, especially in this place? Even here—in the belly of the whale?
Jonah was suicidal too, you know.
When he asked those sailors to throw him overboard, there was no way to survive. He didn’t want to survive. But God provided a way out—a really awful and dark way out. And in the belly of the whale, God changed Jonah’s heart (if only temporarily), and only then was he vomited out onto to dry land.
Without healing in the body, mind and soul, depression will continue to creep back in.

And even if I accidentally wander into that dark place again, the sign of Jonah reminds me that, out of His unfailing love for me, God uses even depression to teach me more about who He is, to change my heart, and above all else, to demonstrate His power to save.
Even a wretch like me.
And like Jonah, I have been given a second chance. Unlike Jonah, I will not forget. And someday, maybe someday, I’ll be able to run a 10-minute mile. Maybe less.

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/i-was-suicidal-christian#EIWMxqZJYwYGsXDh.99
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/practical-faith/i-was-suicidal-christian#EIWMxqZJYwYGsXDh.99

Wednesday, 2 November 2016

Bucket of tears

Sooooooo with all the tears this year

all the heartache this year


And I still dont get as much as a reason for why it h

Tuesday, 1 November 2016

joy cometh in the morning

Image result for early morning before sunrise

We've been singing this song all year in church now.
Is there a clock to know how soon morning is coming

anyways, I thank God for His faithfulness in my life, noone can tell you how it feels to have something good and have it taken from you or have you be careless with it to the point where you lose it.

God is slowly giving me peace, acceptance and a will to live again.

I cannot but thank Him because I know He has a plan, He has sent His word so many times to me reassuring me He is with me.
Even though this is not what I prayed for, I accept this as God's way of saying I have a better plan.

I cant help but think most times that I was not good enough for Mr E in God's eyes, A man like that God has kept the most special packages for Him.
I hope it works out with Miss Pretty, they look so perfect in my head and he deserves so much more than life has ever offered him so far.

So off I go with my bleeding heart, But God has been here, mending every heart, so I worship you.

Been constantly building a relationship with the Holy spirit but I decided to journal this for so far, my tense overcontrolling spirit is being doused and I recognize this chill lady again, I think I'm slowly getting ME back but with a wealth of experience, If I lost this battle, I am sure it'll all end in praise for God and for the sake of a bigger picture, I dash my happiness away for the happiness of God, whatever it is that pleases God.

How can anyone say God does not exist, the devil tried to make me doubt God, I did doubt God at a time, God forgive me.

God is soooo real, I cant even fathom how I lived without Him in the past, thats why I've lost so many battles.

Okayyyyyy, rumblings over.

Cant wait for Morning, I sense a twilight coming, wasnt as pitch black as it was before but sure hell aint morning yet.

loooool

bye bye

Monday, 24 October 2016

My Immortal..... Apt!

Image result for my immortal

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
You still have all of me, me, me

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Monday, 19 September 2016

2016

I realized the year is almost over.
This has been the toughest year in my life and I sincerely wish it to be my last.
I dont think I've chalenged the existence of God so much in my life than this year, However for every challenge in my heart, there has been a double dose of renewal of faith and spirit.
Even in the heartbreak, there's a warped sense of hope.

2016, what a cruel year.
if my life was a Bible, 2016 will be the book of lamentations, sigh

so 2017, i pray you make me shed tears of joy, I hope you give me pains in my belly from so much laughter, I pray i struggle to catch a breath from seeing the wonderment of God in my life.

Alheri passed on 10th Sept 2016, she was a lovely person. barely knew her 6-9 months and she managed to steer a great feeling of relation towards her. Sudden death!

When i think about my situation, I wonder if death is not a better option. I strongly beleive this is the devil trying to plant seeds in my head.

Where I am isnt terrible, in fact I know many people would fast 40days and nights to be in this same ship I fantasize on jumping everyday, I think it has more to do with the way it happened.

Rant over
Marry F, Love E. SMH I dont blame the devil with his attempts, the situation is very bad.

I will continue to look up in the hills.

I have been so tired this year, yet everyday i wake up and face another day

God is forever good

okay for real
Rant over

here's to hoping this time next year I'll come back to this post and laugh my head off at how worried I was and How God came through


sigh

bye

fry

cry

sly

okbye

Monday, 8 August 2016

What a time to be tested

fighting a heartbreak....... check
side business closed down.... check
potential epic brokeness..... check
continuous wedding plans despite several attempts to stop it..... check
younger cousin bashing your car and rendering you immobile.... check
huge emotional and psychological deficiency.... check

can i get a break Lord?
Thank you

Dear God

Dear God,
I dont know how much more I can take.
Maybe this is a good time to let me know your plans
or something

i am honestly worn out.

I have lost every single thing i considered a purpose.

I just pray for a stable mind and anything to ease this pain

I think I hate my mum right now, I dont know if I can ever forgive her or even forgive myself.

God please remove all resentments I have for everyone and create in me a clean heart..

Thursday, 4 August 2016

Other half

....sigh


the ying to my yang, the richest, my pastor, my partner in crime, my gist partner

one of those nights, almost every night now

heavy heart

sad nights

I miss you terribly, so so terribly.

No wonder there are so many songs about love

The emotion can kill

May God help me

Late bloomer


Wow
I feel like I have wasted my life trying to figure it out on my own.
Books, The bible, good friends all would have helped me not be where I am today.
A clear case of I wish I knew then what I know now.

Late blooming mentally is what I would not encourage in my children
by the grace of God, I will push them to the highest

This is day4 of my walk, even though I don't feel it, I believe a miracle is coming.


Tuesday, 2 August 2016

God is so Beautiful


God is indeed beautiful.
How Great is our God
How Marvelous is His name
How Mysterious are His ways

God is so beautiful
God is so real
The God we cannot see but We see the works of His hands
Were ni won ba mi shey

The all knowing God
The all sufficient God
The God of the impossible

...... sigh
When the devil dangles the key to your deepest darkest wants in front of you
A man needs to be completely broken inside
so that only God can radiate through and make the best decision

Dear God, I am in awe of you
excited to see more of your works in my life and in our agreed time
My God that is strong where I am weak.
I worship your majesty
I bow before your throne
I give my heart to you
Complete your work in my life.

Love you Lord

Monday, 1 August 2016

My Pacifiers

church
movies
spending money
sleep
movies
more movies
food
music

Revealings

Random OMG moments with God

places where divorce is allowed in the Bible
  1. The previous marriage ended as the result of sexual unfaithfulness by the person's spouse. (Matthew 19:9).
  2. The person was divorced by an unbelieving spouse who was not willing to stay married (I Corinthians 7:15,16).
  3. The divorce took place prior to a person coming to faith in Christ (II Corinthians 5:17).
There's no where here for domestic violence, I always wished the Bible shed more light on domestic violence against women especially except the Love your wife as Christ loves the church

 

Chronicles of Narnia


Am I the only one that thinks the Chronicles of Narnia relates to Christianity sort of.
Lion of the tribe of Judah? huh?
there was some crucifixion and resurrection thing going on there
Lucy and Susan being Mary and Martha
Constant pull on faith and belief
Death of hope while it rises again
Aslan is badass sha
just finished prince Caspian
I know these are pacifiers, like pastor Goodheart said, temporary reliefs
Only Jesus gives true peace.

So I'll wait another day or two for the voyage one (part three)

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Moving Mountains


what a life!
To be a villain and a victim at the same time.

What a life!
So peculiar
Or maybe even cliche
Golden child or Evil child robbing of everyone's joy, pick a side

So this week, I'm praying towards peace
This is for record keeping.
Praying to remove myself from this situation
Praying to get my former life of happiness back.
All enveloped in God's will

I know I've lost him, for good this time.
I think the right thing to do is to also lose this one
even though my mind is reminding me of my biological clock.
But God has my back.
Even with all the scars I will/ I bear from this experience
I'm sure there's a measure of beauty someone will appreciate in here.

Here's to a God of the Impossible
The God that answereth all prayers
My Consoler
God three in one

Oh! Pastor Goodheart was on point as usual

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Hello, Goodbye


Thurday 28th July 2016
It was supposed to be goodbye
but it felt more like a Hello

It comforted me so much and I'm still floating in the ecstacy
but i know that hole is still there
I have no idea how it can be filled
I feel even more attached
 I guess it's goodbye

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

What is God's will


I must not be a sheep if I can not hear God's voice and move towards that direction.
But my name is Rachael which means female sheep.
lol
What is God's will.
On Monday 25th July 2016, We did it, Mr E & I
To be honest, it didn't feel like cheating, but it didn't really feel the same because I wasn't totally free or careless of any future kwanta, before when all i was thinking of was My mum's frown, she's almost always frowning anyway I used to tell myself. 

I digress
What is God's will.
I never heard anything from God which is so weird concerning that he answers me when I call a lot of times.
What is God's will
Why should God talk to Mr E or other people and not talk to me.
Am I less of a child
No wonder I held onto that dream so dearly, It was like the only sign I got from God
I prayed for a man with specific characters and God gave me does that mean it's his will?
Or like Mr E said God sometimes gives us what we have placed as idols in our heart so that we can learn our lessons.

What is God's will
I guess Rev T tried to simplify it for me, where there's confusion there is no God's presence.
But Mr E has never been confused, I have been the confused, My side has been the confused, the whole situation has been the confused.

I'm tired and I ask for strength.
strength for whatever comes up next, I ask God to let His perfect will be done in my Life and everyone's life, but I can't keep fighting so many people, people i'm attached to, people I love, better one person than so many people right? wrong... with Mr E these people almost don't exist (which is scary) but God just send one thunder throught the ceiling of my room or send one angel to rewind time or at least give me peace with whatever situation I am in.

sign out
Tired Miranda

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Cloud 9



I must be dreaming
if it is a dream i dont want to wake up
but enough of lingering fairy tales
time for real life issues
i want to worry with you for our next big break
i want to report your children for little misbehaviours
time to move past teenage love

The sacrifice
its probably a cat
with the shadow of a lion

Lord I have no strength
help me

Friday, 22 July 2016

Reno though









How does Mr Reno Omokri always say the truth!!!
This is the kind of man you want to have as your mentor all your life.
This is what I mean by vision in life, I thought i always had my vision, get a job, get a good husband, live happily ever after with our children.
But life is super complicated yo
God where do you need me?
Talk to me.....

Rant Post: Someone to talk to


It can get pretty lonely when you don't have someone you can talk to.
Not occasional small talk, or a once in a blue moon pour your heart out to someone.
The multiple if mosquito bites you, someone you can call and tell and you both curse the whole existence of mosquitoes. Yes, something as little and unimportant as that can make or break your whole system.
I wasn't brought up that way, I was brought up to bottle everything up, not to always whine and always complain about your situation or even be greedy about life expectations.
Till I saw the other side, Till i experienced what it was like to truly have a best-friend and lover wrapped in one.

I am constantly surrounded by so many people, but I've never felt more alone. This life sha, very complicated.


sometimes I wish we had a voltron, at least one voltron.
sometimes I wish I never saw

Had a sit down with Mr F yesterday, discussing why it's obviously not working and he said he knows I'm still in love with Mr E coupled with the fact that I am a miss know-it-all and I don't listen and say mean things,  I am all the problem here people lol.

I don't really understand how....... anyways nvm. 

I have made a huge mess of everything, I am in so much trouble with myself and the worst part is my problem feels peculiar.

Holding on to God is the only thing that makes sense now, but even God can seem evasive to me.

My Business seems like it might crash again...... sigh

This will probably pass, just like Jamb and WAEC passed, just like all the trouble I got myself into that I thought would end my life passed.... Maybe even though this is a life long commitment.

Time is going...... tic toc

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

The Bigger Picture

last week thursday at HOTR
experiencing the peace of God, Inner peace, ability to be calm in the midst of storm.
It's impossible for the nonexistence of storm but the ability to be calm and remain focused is a strong challenge for me


Basically i read an earlier devotion on asking God for a vision and setting goals to fulfill the mission.
Then right after HOTR tells me to have inner peace (God knows how long I have been praying for that), I need to have whole faith in God (i.e to believe that God has actually answered your prayers and believing Him for His word), people that have faith in God do not get shaken in the face of trial because God has given them a vision and they believe Him totally and set goals to achieve this vision with God by their side throughout.
Then comes doublemindedness, this is a demonic trait used in confusing people, not letting them have a clear vision and having multiple interests.

My problem i guess is and still is not having a clear vision, i know what i like, love, condone, hate, repulse... I know how my heart feels, I know everything.
But what is my God given Vision
What is that assignment given by God that will make me see only the vision in the face of trials.

I officially as from today start to ask for God's vision and will for my life, enough of worrying about what I can or cannot fix and just desperately try to see the bigger picture (even though i think I've been asking of this before)

I thank God for inspiring me to seek Him in other gatherings, I thank God for confirming this to me through Mr E, I want to learn more and more, I want to know who I am that you are mindful of me, how you hear me when I call, I want to know where you want me to go.

So help me God


Low Days

Days like this i need a lifting up.
it's been a really low crashing day

Going to  be exercising in the gym for mental health purposes
see benefits of exercise for mental health


Exercise and depression

Studies show that exercise can treat mild to moderate depression as effectively as antidepressant medication—but without the side-effects, of course. In addition to relieving depression symptoms, research also shows that maintaining an exercise schedule can prevent you from relapsing. (Boy do I need this benefit)

Exercise and anxiety

Exercise is a natural and effective anti-anxiety treatment. It relieves tension and stress, boosts physical and mental energy, and enhances well-being through the release of endorphins. Anything that gets you moving can help, but you’ll get a bigger benefit if you pay attention instead of zoning out.
(Need this one too)

Exercise and stress

Ever noticed how your body feels when you’re under stress? Your muscles may be tense, especially in your face, neck, and shoulders, leaving you with back or neck pain, or painful headaches. You may feel a tightness in your chest, a pounding pulse, or muscle cramps. You may also experience problems such as insomnia, heartburn, stomachache, diarrhea, or frequent urination. The worry and discomfort of all these physical symptoms can in turn lead to even more stress, creating a vicious cycle between your mind and body.
(I think I'm stressed but I look forward to sleeping, anything to escape reality a bit, sooo meh)

Exercise and ADHD

Exercising regularly is one of the easiest and most effective ways to reduce the symptoms of ADHD and improve concentration, motivation, memory, and mood. Physical activity immediately boosts the brain’s dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin levels—all of which affect focus and attention. In this way, exercise works in much the same way as ADHD medications such as Ritalin and Adderall.
(Don't really know what this means but sounds good)

Exercise and PTSD and trauma

Evidence suggests that by really focusing on your body and how it feels as you exercise, you can actually help your nervous system become “unstuck” and begin to move out of the immobilization stress response that characterizes PTSD or trauma. Instead of thinking about other things, pay close attention to the physical sensations in your joints and muscles, even your insides as your body moves. Exercises that involve cross movement and that  engage both arms and legs—such as walking (especially in sand), running, swimming, weight training, or dancing—are some of your best choices.
Outdoor activities like hiking, sailing, mountain biking, rock climbing, whitewater rafting, and skiing (downhill and cross-country) have also been shown to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.
 (Sounds good too but too much turainchi)

Wonder where I can buy workout gears


Hopefully all these will replace the feeling of .....
Hopefully I get a breakthroough soon....
You know what I'm talmbout God

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Lmao

why does this chook my conscience
😂😂😂
May God give me money like Dang

9-5er VS Enterpreneur

Femi Jacobs Entrepreneur BellaNaija

After Femi Jacob's tweets, everybody just jumped on the kini.

I have nothing against a staunch 9-5er and I admire the entrepreneur.
Motivational speakers make it sound like if you're not an entrepreneur, you're not living life e.g Wale Jana.
Wherever you decide to go just have respect for the other person's path.
Some Entrepreneurs look down on 9-5ers that's for sure which is why these tweets are even an issue.

As for me, been eating my cake and having it with a side hustle, even though I'm loosing all motivation right now, it's not coming from me not having an entrepreneurial spirit, it's because it's not the same anymore, like how it used to be. Maybe a new business without all the memories.... Maybe.

For now, God please give me 9-5 oooo, at CBN, LNLG, NNPC, WORLD BANK or any high paying salary jobs out there... :D

SOUTH AFRICAN CELEBS DID NOT COME TO PLAY













We'll probably get there.... someday lol
Bonang Matheba in Gert Johan Coetzee



Melinda Bam in Anel Botha ©-Jerri-Mokgofe-Photography-78Dineo Mooketsi in Quiteria & George

lol!!! because of message.

funny how everyone compliments you and you're like meh!
but when the one person compliments you, you start dancing atilogwu
May God help us.... sigh

Friday, 15 July 2016

July to do list

1) join a gym
2) prepare and register for CISSP
3) Take the business seriously
4) Look out for that VISION
5) Remember to walk in faith
6) Apply to at least 5 companies
7) Enjoy life more
8) Trust God

Stereo Rotation: But most of all I wish it from myself


For you, there’ll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I’m with you,
It’s alright, I know it’s right

To you, I’ll give the world
To you, I’ll never be cold
‘Cause I feel that when I’m with you,
It’s alright, I know it’s right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before, like never before.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Stereo Rotation: Sandcastles


We built sandcastles that washed away
I made you cry when I walked away
And although I promised that I couldn't stay, baby
Every promise don't work out that way, oh, babe
Every promise don't work out that way
Dishes smashed on my counter from our last encounter
Pictures snatched out the frame
Bitch, I scratched out your name and your face
What is it about you that I can't erase, baby?
When every promise don't work out that way, no no, babe
When every promise don't work out that way
And your heart is broken cause I walked away
Show me your scars and I won't walk away
And I know I promised that I couldn't stay, baby
Every promise don't work out that way, no no no no no
 Every promise don't work out that way

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Careless man's careful daughter

************BEGIN AGAIN***************

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do

Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do

And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did
I've been spending the last eight months
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again

You said you never met one girl
Who had as many James Taylor records as you
But I do
We tell stories and you don't know why
I'm coming off a little shy
But I do

 ***************************
Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time.
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter.
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

 

Sunday, 26 June 2016

Game of thrones season finale; winds of winter

Game of thrones coming to an end today... will miss it.
I have nothing to watch to blank out my mind and i should probably keep it that way.
Rainy day today and all i could think of was coke, having coke, drinking coke...

list of all the series i always felt i should watch
1) 24
2) prison break
3) cant think of any other one....

I hope this finale is a good one sha, if not...


Friday, 24 June 2016

Dear Angeline 2...

I saw you yesterday.
So beautiful, God is amazing!

You're normal, not ecto.

Out of all the uncomfortable hospital scans and procedures, seeing you was a highlight...

beautiful you <3

Wednesday, 22 June 2016

NEW SECRET BLOG COMING UP




Hi guys,
The highest embarizement.
Our blog has been compromised.
The Lord is My Shepherd!!!
JESU!!!

This is the last one, next blog's name is noneofyourbusiness.blogspot.com


Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Tears, Heartbreak songs and memories

I think all through my teenage life, I have always fantasied about my heartbreak story while listening to these heartbreak and love songs, of course all the fantasies had a happy ending.
LOL!!!
In reality, not all of them have happy endings.
I have made the biggest mistake of my life I think.
Leaving Mr E.
My Angel.
Today, his attention is very not there, i bet he's happy with Miss YellowShmellow (HATE HER!!!) she's so pretty and perfect. its also because of Angeline.

Anyways, so i got news Naomi left home in protest of her job, i love her. i wish i was more willed.
look at my own struggle.

I feel a bit miserable, Angeline is an ecto.

I want to feel happy again, and I'm trapped

I don't want to continue with anything

my heart still hurts and it's almost 180 days

Monday, 20 June 2016

Dear Angeline....

Hi Sweety,
Image result for angel baby
I am sorry I have to let you go, it was shocking to find out about you on Sunday.
it's always on a Sunday Mr E said.
I love that man.....
so much.....
I wish he was the one that gave me you Angeline, I don't think ill be too quick to let you go or if he will even ever allow me let you go.
Obvs i was planning a get away with Mr E, but then you came and everything changed.
He'll never look at me the same way again, I'll never look at myself the same way again.
He's forgiven me one too many times, I've messed up one too many times, but i didn't mess up with you, because you're so innocent and pure Angeline, you will never be a mess up.

Basically all I am saying Angeline, is I love you even though we will never meet. The truth is I am not ready baby, mentally.

My mind is in a really dark place right now Angeline

Angel, Angeline, i don't know why you came, i didn't expect you to.
But you're probably the last weapon against me and Mr E.

You took my man away from me Angeline, but I still love you, so much, even though we will never meet.

ciao Angel/Angeline

Friday, 17 June 2016

painless deaths

it's funny that a person that wants to die is worried about feeling pain.
just like a lady tsting for pregnancy is worried about getting a lil pee on her hands.... lol, not sre ifyou get the joke there

anyways here are some researched painless ways to die
I know the devil is in my head right now, and i dont want to kill myself, it'll be nice for all these pain to stop sha.
btw did i tell you guys i sorta kinda hate my family now, i mean I trusted them.
that they could see what i cant see because.... love
i dgress

painless death methods below
1. Carbon monoxide inhalation; no wonder my mum hates it when the window is open when the gen is on. the diesel generator is right under my room. although i have slept with the window open quite a few times and here i am today. still being a nuisance to people. To God be the Glory

2. sleeping pills; My mum has a stash of those.

3. Anasthesia; basically the point is you cant feel any pain, so while you're numb just chook knife in your belly

4. Lethal Injection; only see this ones in movies

5. drowning; HOW??? when you're struggling to breath is that nor pain? biko i kent. basically the point is it takes a very short time to be unconscious when drowning then the body will do the rest later, no wonder people try to jump bridge like Tee Billz

6. Hanging; YIKES!!!! I said painless not shortest. that ting must pain.

7. shooting in the head or heart: that thing looks like pain jor but they say it's instant death.

SUICIDE is a trick of the devil.
I know i feel depressed, i know i feel i have the biggest mistake in my life and this doesnt seem like the one of failing jamb that it will pass, or reading a wrong course for four years.
this feels like ive made a very big mistake of my life and one i will regret forever.
and honestly, i am tired of regretting.
i might get lifted up later on and not feel this way about MrE again but it doesnt change the fact that the mistake has been made
and i dont know what my future looks like now.

Here's me praying to God that all will be well with me, MrE, My family, Mr F, my life altogether.

all will be well
God i think it's about time you shine a lil bit of sunshine my way, it's been 6 months of fasting and prayer.
i am sorry i know your time is the best and i know i might have messed up something great you put in my life, but i ask for forgiveness and hope you shower your grace on me, my love life, my family life and everything concerning me, it will never happen again (me interrupting your work, i'll be still and know you are God).
In Jesus Name I pray



Raaaaar

sorry about my rant this morning
Mr E deserves the best in life, he's a man destined for great things on earth
he's very wise
Only the best things will come his way, if God says im not part of him
then its all good
all i know is i prayed to God
God has been with me all through this journey (or i'll like to think)

i need God to give me a sign though, lol
 something to tell me i'll be alright

Btw Mr E codedly called me Judas yesterday, lol
basically i need to fix me and stop hoping around churches.

God heel my bleeding heart
Thank you

xoxoxoxoxo

The heartbreaks wont stop coming

Mr E is dating again and he sounds so happy.
I feel like dying
it's been 24hrs now and the pain is still fresh
what the fuck is wrong with me??????????????????
i am so hurt, there's stages to this pain, peel after peel.
when will it end.
i honestly do feel like dying.
i wish Christians didn't believe in hell after death
why cant i not be able to take it anymore and decide to quit my race.

I have no one to talk to
just you guys

here's to hoping i find something to wanna live for

seriously sad, seriously seriously sad

time to wake up, go into the world and act like i'm good 


Thursday, 16 June 2016

Numb

I'm getting numb inside.
I think I prefer it to the constant pain and self resentment I feel all the time.
there's a popular song not sure by who
the lyrics say "ll rather be hurt than feel nothing at all"
loooool, you sure???
pain is not nice
i need to stop whining and continue on my journey to repair
is the numb feeling part of repair?

one thing i know
is that i must be there for my children
listen to them
know what they want
and not what i think is best for them

i wish i was stronger
to fight for myself
i wish Mr E was more forward
harrass my mum
engage me
get me pregnant... LOL!
we did try that, at least i like to think we did

owkayyyyyyy.....
i want this to be my last post about Mr E, but bottling up all these emotions an thoughts is not really the best thing.

*sigh* i'll keep pushing
holding on to God

i was complaining yesterday about God not answering my fasting and prayers for six months now (to be honest  the prayer points arent very very consistent) but my ultimate prayer did not waiver, asking God for happiness.

it started with God telling me to only think of things that are good, pure, basically all the good things that will please Him, i thought to myself, AH HAH!! thats the secret, when you think of good things, you feel good things and good things start to happen to you, right? well lets just say maybe I didnt follow it to a T, but it didnt really work at least not for too long, besides you know how hard it is to control your thoughts? even the perfect thoughts controller Mr E, has some setback days.

then when my prayer point started to change asking God to remove me from the situation, the scriture of a foolish woman tearing down her home and a wise woman building hers came to me like 3 times and i was like WOW!!! O_O am i a foolish woman tearing down her home with her hands? do i know whats good for me better than God?, you see people, this my God ehn. sometimes i feel He plays hide and seek with me, but He said in his word, that He will reveal unknown things to His children.

then i resorted to praying in tongues, maybe there are enemies listening on my prayers and sabotaging them or playing mind tricks with me.
i have no regrets praying in tongues and it gives me a peace knowing i pray to God and God alone.

right now i just wanna be happy, and i want to feel i am in the best possible situation of my life right now.

i want peace, joy, love... *sigh* today is church day, cant wait!!!

so help me God

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

very late post, drafted april 2011....... The struggle for relevance

hey people, I'm new to this, I'm just gonna be blogging for my sake now. cuz ladies lets face it. it's hard finding a man out there that can listen to you blab all you want.

ok let's talk about the ever present struggle for relevance, what is relevance? according to dictionary.reference.com, relevance is
bearing upon or connected with the matter in hand i.e to be needed for something by someone at sometime. we ladies wanna feel relevant, whether at work, at home, with a man, in a social gathering, in every aspect of our lives. am sure men have dis same feeling too. People dat feel irrelevant to the society tend to bend towards
   
Like it or not we all struggle for relevance, relevance at the place of work, relevance in your home, relevance to your significant other, relevance in the social scene

what would you do to remain relevant
have you had a strong sense of who you are to then give as a service to the world?

I want to be relevant
relevant to my family, my place of work, my husband 
but most of all  want to be relevant to me
when i am sad i want to be able to make myself happy
when i am down i want to raise myself up
all with the help of God anyways
when you fix you, you fix others, thereby relevance

here's to the end of relying on other people for my happiness, like i was spoiled b Mr E. 
here's to giving myself to help other feel good about themselves
here's to releasing my heart and freeing myself, giving myself permission to live.

So help me God