Numb

I'm getting numb inside.
I think I prefer it to the constant pain and self resentment I feel all the time.
there's a popular song not sure by who
the lyrics say "ll rather be hurt than feel nothing at all"
loooool, you sure???
pain is not nice
i need to stop whining and continue on my journey to repair
is the numb feeling part of repair?

one thing i know
is that i must be there for my children
listen to them
know what they want
and not what i think is best for them

i wish i was stronger
to fight for myself
i wish Mr E was more forward
harrass my mum
engage me
get me pregnant... LOL!
we did try that, at least i like to think we did

owkayyyyyyy.....
i want this to be my last post about Mr E, but bottling up all these emotions an thoughts is not really the best thing.

*sigh* i'll keep pushing
holding on to God

i was complaining yesterday about God not answering my fasting and prayers for six months now (to be honest  the prayer points arent very very consistent) but my ultimate prayer did not waiver, asking God for happiness.

it started with God telling me to only think of things that are good, pure, basically all the good things that will please Him, i thought to myself, AH HAH!! thats the secret, when you think of good things, you feel good things and good things start to happen to you, right? well lets just say maybe I didnt follow it to a T, but it didnt really work at least not for too long, besides you know how hard it is to control your thoughts? even the perfect thoughts controller Mr E, has some setback days.

then when my prayer point started to change asking God to remove me from the situation, the scriture of a foolish woman tearing down her home and a wise woman building hers came to me like 3 times and i was like WOW!!! O_O am i a foolish woman tearing down her home with her hands? do i know whats good for me better than God?, you see people, this my God ehn. sometimes i feel He plays hide and seek with me, but He said in his word, that He will reveal unknown things to His children.

then i resorted to praying in tongues, maybe there are enemies listening on my prayers and sabotaging them or playing mind tricks with me.
i have no regrets praying in tongues and it gives me a peace knowing i pray to God and God alone.

right now i just wanna be happy, and i want to feel i am in the best possible situation of my life right now.

i want peace, joy, love... *sigh* today is church day, cant wait!!!

so help me God

very late post, drafted april 2011....... The struggle for relevance

hey people, I'm new to this, I'm just gonna be blogging for my sake now. cuz ladies lets face it. it's hard finding a man out there that can listen to you blab all you want.

ok let's talk about the ever present struggle for relevance, what is relevance? according to dictionary.reference.com, relevance is
bearing upon or connected with the matter in hand i.e to be needed for something by someone at sometime. we ladies wanna feel relevant, whether at work, at home, with a man, in a social gathering, in every aspect of our lives. am sure men have dis same feeling too. People dat feel irrelevant to the society tend to bend towards
   
Like it or not we all struggle for relevance, relevance at the place of work, relevance in your home, relevance to your significant other, relevance in the social scene

what would you do to remain relevant
have you had a strong sense of who you are to then give as a service to the world?

I want to be relevant
relevant to my family, my place of work, my husband 
but most of all  want to be relevant to me
when i am sad i want to be able to make myself happy
when i am down i want to raise myself up
all with the help of God anyways
when you fix you, you fix others, thereby relevance

here's to the end of relying on other people for my happiness, like i was spoiled b Mr E. 
here's to giving myself to help other feel good about themselves
here's to releasing my heart and freeing myself, giving myself permission to live.

So help me God      

Happiness or is it?

Regrets, Resentments and Repairs

Hi Guys(Me), lol.
So i am in a regret phase of my life now.
i ended things with Mr E, and moved on already to Mr F.
I regret leaving Mr E, even though i told myself over and over again how i was ready for the regrets, this feeling is a depressive, suicidal borderline mental illness kind of regret.
I have been fasting and praying to God for 6 months now hoping to get over him and fully face and embrace my new life and to be truly happy
.
Suffice to say its not working, and slowly I'm beginning to resent myself, my family, my fiance, my friends and sometimes i think its better to die and JUST REST!!! HAH!!!
but God forbid, one thing I learned from Mr E is to always persevere in the face of troubles.
I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel..... yet
Its not over till it's over
I knew the consequences of leaving Mr E, and i'm facing them. i have lost Mr E, i wanna lose Mr F.
I want to be alone and know me and fall in love with me all over again.
yes i want to marry
yes i want children
but what kind of love do i give my children when i cant love myself
what kind of love do i give my husband when i cant love myself
God help me towards my journey to self recovery and repair.
I have always prayed that God goes before me
in this new journey I pray oh lord that you go before me and ease this path that i must take.
reading from Ms Yemisi Wada has helped me a lot too
the woman is real
God give me a sign that you're listening.

going back to the drawing board, ciao!

Day 4....

It day 4 and I still see you in my dreams.
I'm still crying.
I miss you so deeply.
It's such a void not having anyone to talk to 23hrs a day.
I don't know if I can get through this.

Office romance break up

I ended things two days ago, right when it was feeling like the end to all the troubles.
I feel so terrible, I a so heartbroken, I think I might be getting depressed, it burns in my heart, I am struggling to communicate with the outside world without snapping, I sneak in a tear or two here and there but all in all I am actually relieved, no more sneaking, no more fights, no more uncertainty, no more resentment about loosing it (well its still there), no more second guessing everything..... but enough about me....
I wonder how he feels, for the first time since I met him I saw him cry, he invested so much in me, I did not deserve him, he must be really disappointed in me, he believed so much in us, I fed off that belief for a while, I strung him along.
if you ever read this Mr E. know that I did love you, at a point I did believe in us too. I saw myself having your kids at a point too, I saw myself learning your language at some point too.
But if by now we r still facing my uncertainty then its better I let you go, I am ready to regret it.

so for day 2...... IT BURNS!!!!

Office Romance Update 2

Hey!!!

So i have even more update on this office romance thing, its slowly beginning to sound offensive to call it just that.... an office romance, it has become a very beautiful beginning to an endless love together forever (^_^) stoked!!!

But.... there's a but, i've always wondered why grooms have been said to have cold feet, why go all the way knowing you love this person but because of a stupid black.... no white (white is associated with cold right?) nah black monster called cold feet you start to doubt the love that binds you and future wifey together. Orrr it could just be that the pretense couldn't be put up with any longer. I digress.

I am only writing this because i feel great about us but there's a but. i dont have that total surrender feeling, is it terrible to say that? i dont want to let go, but could we really be more?
wth is wrong with me?

HELP!!!