painless deaths

it's funny that a person that wants to die is worried about feeling pain.
just like a lady tsting for pregnancy is worried about getting a lil pee on her hands.... lol, not sre ifyou get the joke there

anyways here are some researched painless ways to die
I know the devil is in my head right now, and i dont want to kill myself, it'll be nice for all these pain to stop sha.
btw did i tell you guys i sorta kinda hate my family now, i mean I trusted them.
that they could see what i cant see because.... love
i dgress

painless death methods below
1. Carbon monoxide inhalation; no wonder my mum hates it when the window is open when the gen is on. the diesel generator is right under my room. although i have slept with the window open quite a few times and here i am today. still being a nuisance to people. To God be the Glory

2. sleeping pills; My mum has a stash of those.

3. Anasthesia; basically the point is you cant feel any pain, so while you're numb just chook knife in your belly

4. Lethal Injection; only see this ones in movies

5. drowning; HOW??? when you're struggling to breath is that nor pain? biko i kent. basically the point is it takes a very short time to be unconscious when drowning then the body will do the rest later, no wonder people try to jump bridge like Tee Billz

6. Hanging; YIKES!!!! I said painless not shortest. that ting must pain.

7. shooting in the head or heart: that thing looks like pain jor but they say it's instant death.

SUICIDE is a trick of the devil.
I know i feel depressed, i know i feel i have the biggest mistake in my life and this doesnt seem like the one of failing jamb that it will pass, or reading a wrong course for four years.
this feels like ive made a very big mistake of my life and one i will regret forever.
and honestly, i am tired of regretting.
i might get lifted up later on and not feel this way about MrE again but it doesnt change the fact that the mistake has been made
and i dont know what my future looks like now.

Here's me praying to God that all will be well with me, MrE, My family, Mr F, my life altogether.

all will be well
God i think it's about time you shine a lil bit of sunshine my way, it's been 6 months of fasting and prayer.
i am sorry i know your time is the best and i know i might have messed up something great you put in my life, but i ask for forgiveness and hope you shower your grace on me, my love life, my family life and everything concerning me, it will never happen again (me interrupting your work, i'll be still and know you are God).
In Jesus Name I pray

Raaaaar

sorry about my rant this morning
Mr E deserves the best in life, he's a man destined for great things on earth
he's very wise
Only the best things will come his way, if God says im not part of him
then its all good
all i know is i prayed to God
God has been with me all through this journey (or i'll like to think)

i need God to give me a sign though, lol
 something to tell me i'll be alright

Btw Mr E codedly called me Judas yesterday, lol
basically i need to fix me and stop hoping around churches.

God heel my bleeding heart
Thank you

xoxoxoxoxo

The heartbreaks wont stop coming

Mr E is dating again and he sounds so happy.
I feel like dying
it's been 24hrs now and the pain is still fresh
what the fuck is wrong with me??????????????????
i am so hurt, there's stages to this pain, peel after peel.
when will it end.
i honestly do feel like dying.
i wish Christians didn't believe in hell after death
why cant i not be able to take it anymore and decide to quit my race.

I have no one to talk to
just you guys

here's to hoping i find something to wanna live for

seriously sad, seriously seriously sad

time to wake up, go into the world and act like i'm good 

Numb

I'm getting numb inside.
I think I prefer it to the constant pain and self resentment I feel all the time.
there's a popular song not sure by who
the lyrics say "ll rather be hurt than feel nothing at all"
loooool, you sure???
pain is not nice
i need to stop whining and continue on my journey to repair
is the numb feeling part of repair?

one thing i know
is that i must be there for my children
listen to them
know what they want
and not what i think is best for them

i wish i was stronger
to fight for myself
i wish Mr E was more forward
harrass my mum
engage me
get me pregnant... LOL!
we did try that, at least i like to think we did

owkayyyyyyy.....
i want this to be my last post about Mr E, but bottling up all these emotions an thoughts is not really the best thing.

*sigh* i'll keep pushing
holding on to God

i was complaining yesterday about God not answering my fasting and prayers for six months now (to be honest  the prayer points arent very very consistent) but my ultimate prayer did not waiver, asking God for happiness.

it started with God telling me to only think of things that are good, pure, basically all the good things that will please Him, i thought to myself, AH HAH!! thats the secret, when you think of good things, you feel good things and good things start to happen to you, right? well lets just say maybe I didnt follow it to a T, but it didnt really work at least not for too long, besides you know how hard it is to control your thoughts? even the perfect thoughts controller Mr E, has some setback days.

then when my prayer point started to change asking God to remove me from the situation, the scriture of a foolish woman tearing down her home and a wise woman building hers came to me like 3 times and i was like WOW!!! O_O am i a foolish woman tearing down her home with her hands? do i know whats good for me better than God?, you see people, this my God ehn. sometimes i feel He plays hide and seek with me, but He said in his word, that He will reveal unknown things to His children.

then i resorted to praying in tongues, maybe there are enemies listening on my prayers and sabotaging them or playing mind tricks with me.
i have no regrets praying in tongues and it gives me a peace knowing i pray to God and God alone.

right now i just wanna be happy, and i want to feel i am in the best possible situation of my life right now.

i want peace, joy, love... *sigh* today is church day, cant wait!!!

so help me God

very late post, drafted april 2011....... The struggle for relevance

hey people, I'm new to this, I'm just gonna be blogging for my sake now. cuz ladies lets face it. it's hard finding a man out there that can listen to you blab all you want.

ok let's talk about the ever present struggle for relevance, what is relevance? according to dictionary.reference.com, relevance is
bearing upon or connected with the matter in hand i.e to be needed for something by someone at sometime. we ladies wanna feel relevant, whether at work, at home, with a man, in a social gathering, in every aspect of our lives. am sure men have dis same feeling too. People dat feel irrelevant to the society tend to bend towards
   
Like it or not we all struggle for relevance, relevance at the place of work, relevance in your home, relevance to your significant other, relevance in the social scene

what would you do to remain relevant
have you had a strong sense of who you are to then give as a service to the world?

I want to be relevant
relevant to my family, my place of work, my husband 
but most of all  want to be relevant to me
when i am sad i want to be able to make myself happy
when i am down i want to raise myself up
all with the help of God anyways
when you fix you, you fix others, thereby relevance

here's to the end of relying on other people for my happiness, like i was spoiled b Mr E. 
here's to giving myself to help other feel good about themselves
here's to releasing my heart and freeing myself, giving myself permission to live.

So help me God      

Happiness or is it?

Regrets, Resentments and Repairs

Hi Guys(Me), lol.
So i am in a regret phase of my life now.
i ended things with Mr E, and moved on already to Mr F.
I regret leaving Mr E, even though i told myself over and over again how i was ready for the regrets, this feeling is a depressive, suicidal borderline mental illness kind of regret.
I have been fasting and praying to God for 6 months now hoping to get over him and fully face and embrace my new life and to be truly happy
.
Suffice to say its not working, and slowly I'm beginning to resent myself, my family, my fiance, my friends and sometimes i think its better to die and JUST REST!!! HAH!!!
but God forbid, one thing I learned from Mr E is to always persevere in the face of troubles.
I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel..... yet
Its not over till it's over
I knew the consequences of leaving Mr E, and i'm facing them. i have lost Mr E, i wanna lose Mr F.
I want to be alone and know me and fall in love with me all over again.
yes i want to marry
yes i want children
but what kind of love do i give my children when i cant love myself
what kind of love do i give my husband when i cant love myself
God help me towards my journey to self recovery and repair.
I have always prayed that God goes before me
in this new journey I pray oh lord that you go before me and ease this path that i must take.
reading from Ms Yemisi Wada has helped me a lot too
the woman is real
God give me a sign that you're listening.

going back to the drawing board, ciao!