Most people assume that I started
running to lose weight, and I tend to let most people think that.
Because the real reason is a lot less glamorous, a lot darker.
I started running to beat depression. Notice I didn’t call myself a
runner, because that would imply that I am actually good at it. Me and
my 13-minute mile–look out, world! But I didn't start running just to
kick the normal depressive episode that many of us experience from time
to time. I started because of the more sinister, dark-night-of-the-soul
depression—the kind where you don’t remember to eat, you don’t have the
strength to get off the bathroom floor (if you make it that far), and
you can’t think about anything except how badly you want to die.
Most of us will agree that Christians can get depressed, but can Christians get suicidal?
Good Christians?
Suicide is, after all, something that only happens when you lose all hope, and don’t Christians have the best Hope there is?
I suspect that many in the Church unconsciously believe that
Christians do not and should not become suicidal, because suicide is,
after all, something that only happens when you lose all hope, and don’t
Christians have the best Hope there is?
I always believed that God absolutely, 100% had the power to heal me
of my depression. But during those darkest nights, I didn’t believe that
God would heal me, even though I knew He could. I never lost hope in
Jesus, but I did lose hope for recovery. All I wanted more than anything
else was to rest in the arms of my Savior. I gave up.
The temptation to kill myself felt like too much to bear. And so I
had two options, to give in to that temptation and commit an
irreversible (but not unforgivable) sin, or believe God’s promise to me
in His Word:
“God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can
bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that
you can endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13).
And so, on December 22, 2011, I was admitted to Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services for five days.
I think Christians often make the mistake of over-spiritualizing
depression and neglecting the very real physical needs of a person
caught in depression's grip, while non-Christians tend to focus too much
on the physical aspects of this condition while neglecting spiritual
health. But what if getting to the bottom of depression requires a body,
mind
and soul approach?
In the hospital, I rested. I began to treat my body, mind and soul.
Without healing in the body, mind and soul, depression will continue to creep back in.
With the support of my healthcare team, I started new medication and
added some vitamins and supplements into my diet. I began running as
soon as the weather turned warm. I took care of my body. With the help
of a licensed therapist, I learned to pay attention to and change my
negative self-talk, to heal my mind. But most importantly–once my brain
started to recover, I was strong enough to address the cracks in my
faith that were revealed by the depth and the pressure of my depression.
No matter what depression may look like, the attributes of God are
almost always under attack. Doubt always follows closely on the heels of
depression.
How can God love me, especially in this place? Even here—in the belly of the whale?
Jonah was suicidal too, you know.
When he asked those sailors to throw him overboard, there was no way
to survive. He didn’t want to survive. But God provided a way out—a
really awful and dark way out. And in the belly of the whale, God
changed Jonah’s heart (if only temporarily), and only then was he
vomited out onto to dry land.
Without healing in the body, mind and soul, depression will continue to creep back in.
