Mother Alien...

23/2 today and it feels like i'm an alien mother.

dont even have a name for you yet, i hate that i dont feel attached already.
I hope i dont end up being a terrible mum.
I started feeling you on saturday. the first time i thought it was just a rush of blood (gross)
then it happend again and again and again....
thats when i realised O_O ......... issa human being

i know i would do anything for you, i know i would do anything to protect you, i know you basically own the 30 billion in my akantiooo,  i just want to also fall in love with you :(
i wonder if mothers lie when they say they loved immediately after inception, i was too busy spilling my guts out in the toilet and getting irritated at the air i was breathing to even love anything.

Thank God you've relieved me of the pains a bit, i'd like to say it was worth it but what about the mothers that didn't need to even go through this 😫 and to be honest i'd like to get back to old me asap.. looool, even though i know it cant ever be the same

I want to raise you in the way of God but im not even right with God. sighhhhh

I know, very unpopular opinion, but i still feel there's a lot of time to fall in love especially when we meet, i doubt i'll have a choice cuz we'll spend too much time together.

Aunty Ese has given you Thomas (with the worst igbo accent)
uncle Moh has given you Ayo (I know a lot of terrible ayos, too popular a name too)
Aunty Doyin has given you Mukhtar (was she sipping on some henny?)

Cocktail of emotions... NZT on the beach?

okay, where do i start.
hopefully i post this time, deleted too many drafts for this.
loool

okay..... lets try to dissect this feeling, this complicated feeling.....

Mr E was talking to his cleaner the other day, in the most natural way, backing me by the way so i could stare all the way this time and also smile while staring. the way i used to stare that he never knew. Nothing much here, just drinking up his form, admiring the way God put together his head, to the neck, down to those shoulders then to the back and waist, a little narrowing takes you to the bum... lol, then those long legs 😍.
the posture too hasn't changed, the slant weight shift to the side when standing. i wonder if the cleaner "whats-his-face" saw me smiling, couldn't care much, it was like my only chance to stare at the wonders of God. even though i was staring when he was walking back to his car in the church parking lot. (May God help this sister)

I smile in appreciation, just simple appreciation that this exists.

Then it comes down to the conversation, intriguing, addictive, flowing, engaging, real exchange of friendly banter. warms my insides, gives you a sense of fellowship with a compliemented mind (sure there's a word for this)

Then it comes to the goodbyes, surprised there's still a struggle to leave, an inertia of some sort. like pulling away of two magnets but this time a bit easier to pull apart than before. its intriguing, gives a tingly or bubbly sense. this part is tricky, you have to be alert not to cross the lines, very alert. goodbyes are very emotional no matter what.

Then you get drive all the way home smiling and having a good day for the rest of the day. seeing the world in color again, a smile along with that hello to a stranger, new business ideas or life hacks flowing through your brain like it just had blood pumping through it. truly God is wonderful the way he created us. this part is really nice, very warm fuzzy.

but it doesn't last long, reminds me of limitless, you take the pill and boom you're the best human in the world and can basically achieve everything in life but then in 24 hours, you need a refill or else you're basically back to your truly ugly self.
you're about to hit up this refill and have to think twice, common sense comes knocking... hellloooo, don't you know issanother woman husband your messaging? hellooooo, eez like you have forgotten you hav marry... helloooo, didn't you have you chance before??? please don't pour sand sand inside another person garri.
you convince yourself that its just a friendly chatter, but who are you kidding? yourself? you know if given the chance you'll basically tear this man to pieces and finish up licking and chewing the bones, you say its a friendly banter but you're worried about how you look when its time to see. my sisterrrrr, stop lying to yasefffff. looool okay away with the razz accent. this is the really bitter part, something so close yet very very far, an itch you cannot scratch, a forced look into your life to see why you're here in the first place. very hard to explain the pain and disappointment in your own self.
you want to run and hide in your comfort numb zone, but you truly miss your friend. 

Mr E my NZT-48, loool, if you end up seeing this you'll have to google that.

rubbish banter i knowwww!!! very dead stervsssss, May God help me

23/2 today!

Mushy post alert!!!

Always loved this song. was in the cd along woth Gabrielle's rise. but the lyrics are just literally hitting home. yeah i guess i'm slow.

"I think I found my way home"

stereo rotation. Gabrielle rise

I remember a cd i had around the time mumskay died 2009, it had all sorts of love songs in it, this song was in it.
didnt know the singer's name, weird how i stumbled on it recently.
good listen, oldie but goodie

a forced look at the past...

saw Mr E today, looking like a snack! and all the things i thought were gone and all the butterflies and stuff kept fluttering back.
i know im old and ugly now, getting fat lack of care and maintenance especially since i learnt i was carrying "Tinu".
truth is it ive become comfortable in my numb state, i dont like being reminded that i could feel more or there's a chance to feel more.
I'd rather be numb than feel pain, sorry Lady Antebellum.
I pray for Mr E, he's such a go getter and i hope things just keep skyrocketting for him, amen.
but i also remember myself and pray for myself (even though i havent prayed or have a conversation with God in like forever) anyways, i do pray that i come back to that state of wanting to try again without the feeling of hurt lingering.
yes I have Tinu to look forward to but I feel Tinu will also probably slow my progress, till then. if Ufuoma can do it, why can't I.

Truth is I dont want to see Mr E anymore, I dont want to feel again, i dont want to get any tingling or tingle. it's all useless. also because it would mean i have sinned without even saying or doing anything. lol!

Thank God for my diary.
hopefully i can start making money again someday and have hope for a future.
right now lord, i do feel very bleak and I do want to get back with you.
draw me nearer lord.
going back to read for my ISO Lead imp!

goodnight
xoxoxo

finally some privacy

So Amaka has been on my seat for so long now and i couldnt type here and ouldnt be bothered at home.
lol
hiiiiii
im alive
im struggling everyday
living through it all
its really not that great at all
but you know the beauty of not having high expectations is not feeling heartbreak
not feeling dissapointments

so we've not done it, F and I in like 3 months now, no kisses, no hugs, no quickies and i am actually fine with it.
i worry for my future,but not so much, when the future comes, it'll handle itself and no i am not scared of what is to come..
I lost it all already, there's nothing to lose.

now i know no one can find us, i can spill. loool

bye for now. btw 15/5 today. tick tock

Time....

even though i am still scared to publish my redacted posts.
i cant help but thank God for where we are today.

i'll honestly take this near numbness to the avalanche of pain felt throughout last year.
through every failed step, every confusing revelation, every hard test God put me through even playing with suicide.
still do not know the reason for it, still dont get the lessons learnt, actually lessons were learnt.
Still dealing and adjusting with this change in life.
still waiting on God's punishment.

but still I would take this over the whole of last year.

Numb better than Pain. Fo sure!

I pray everyone is great at the end of the day, a few babies down the line everyone will forget their surname.

at least now I can lol and sigh at the same time and go back to feeling absolutely nothing.

nothingness.
goodnight world.